Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
