Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Four minutes until I can fart!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
