I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
