textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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