if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
