Do you still have your period?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
