Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
