she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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