I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
