Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
