Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
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Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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