If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
