I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
