i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
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Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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