every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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