U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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