I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
