my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
