i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
