I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
