i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
