In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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