John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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