Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
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Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
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I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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