Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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