today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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