Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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