I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
