My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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