its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
