Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
