I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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