So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
