Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
