Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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