theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
