There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
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You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
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I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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