After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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