He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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