It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
