Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
