I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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