if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
