You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Randomize
