I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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