when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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