I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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