there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
