So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
