I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
