no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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