He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
