are you still at the devil's house?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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