One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My feet surprised me
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