I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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