if you like me you must not know who I am
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
