im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
