i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
